


seven deadly sins

by gothdolly



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Seven Deadly Sins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-04-07 18:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19090867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothdolly/pseuds/gothdolly
Summary: Now that the boy had confirmation that his feelings were merely platonic and felt by all best friends, he quickly moved back to his conversation with Michael.He didn’t consider alternate possibilities until Brooke and Chloe announced that they were dating two weeks later.





	1. lust

Jeremy didn’t know when he started looking at Michael the way he does now.

Of course, he’d always looked at Michael with admiration, the boy had been his best friend since their first day of kindergarten for fuck's sake. There was no way that Jeremy would be able to look at him with anything less than undeniable love and sheer appreciation.

Jeremy had a tendency to stare at Michael with wide eyes and a crazed grin. 

While _watching him destroy countless zombies in the video games they’d play growing up, cowering behind him as Michael summoned the bravery to stand up to their bullies, the boy arriving backstage at the play bearing Mountain Dew Red._

It didn't matter where or when, it was commonplace at this point.

These moments made Jeremy feel whole and thankful for his player one.

He just wanted to know why seeing Michael in similar situations made him feel _so different than it used to._

They’d be sitting on their beanbags and playing video games or simply walking to class when Jeremy would catch a glimpse of Michael and feel his stomach drop and his mouth go dry.

It may be the way the sun lit up his eyes, or maybe the way he styled his hair but there was denying what was going on in Jeremy’s mind.

Thoughts that Jeremy should’ve been ashamed of would suddenly occupy him.

Of Michael underneath him, sweaty and breathing heavily. Of the body he’d held close countless times now closer than ever.

Of his best friend becoming more than that.

Jeremy knew that it’d never happen, he couldn’t even figure out what exactly his feelings towards the boy were to begin with.

Maybe they were just really close friends, maybe everybody felt this way about their closest companions.

Somehow, he didn’t even feel guilty about his fantasies.

 

“I’m just saying, if you seriously believed that guy invented chicken nuggets then him killing you would just be natural selection,” Michael grimaced as he argued with Rich.

His face was contorted into one of disgust, his eyebrows furrowed and mouth hanging open.

The boy lifted his hand to his forehead and brutally rubbed it.

Jeremy quickly realized that _oh god, it was happening again._

Familiar thoughts flooded his mind, drowning out Rich's rebuttal and the rest of the group's collective sigh towards the short boy. He quickly tried to dismiss them, unsure if his body would betray him or he’d admit something in the embarrassing intoxication that his fantasies seemed to cause him.

He averted his eyes towards the other occupants of their lunch table.  

They fell upon Chloe and Brooke.

The blonde was perched upon Chloe’s lap and they held each other close with their forehead’s pressed together, letting out the occasional quiet whisper or giggle. 

Jeremy didn’t realize that he was staring until the taller and more threating of the two shot him daggers.

He quickly looked away, afraid of what Chloe would do to him if he didn’t.

Now that the boy had confirmation that his feelings were merely platonic and felt by all best friends, he quickly moved back to his conversation with Michael.

 

He didn’t consider alternate possibilities wasn’t until Brooke and Chloe announced that they were dating two weeks later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have seven exams in the next two weeks but this is what i do instead of studying
> 
> all these chapters are super short because i've already written them all and was planning to post them at the same time but looked back, realized that they sucked, and am now gonna wait 
> 
> seriously though, any comments or kudos would be appreciated


	2. gluttony

Jeremy’s SQUIP didn’t let him eat anywhere near as much as he had been used to.

Over the years, the boy had become accustomed to hours spent in Michael’s basement indulging in crisps and an array of food that would have given any nutritionist a heart attack.

They’d stop at the seven-eleven and buy as much food as money allowed before eating it all in one sitting.

It was comforting and familiar for the two of them.

Until the evil tic tac that took over his life got rid of Michael.

Along with his best friend went all the food, with gaining strength being criteria for popularity.

Instead of his usual cheap and fattening snacks, he was forced into workout sessions or eating small amounts of organic food that tasted like dirt and didn't even begin to satisfy his hunger.

Moving forward a few months, it was obvious that the mission to get him ripped had failed, as evident by his complete lack of muscle.

In all honesty, Jeremy didn’t care.

He might’ve at first but he soon realized that he was fine with his lanky build.

The food returned shortly after he got rid of the SQUIP.

So did Michael.

 

So finding himself in Michael’s basement, video games on the television screen and snacks shared between them, didn’t seem so foreign anymore.

They were currently racing each other in Mario Kart, Jeremy falling into fourth place as his best friend maintained first with ease.

As the race ended, Michael shot up in triumph letting the joy of his victory shine.

Jeremy leaned back and groaned, shoveling a handful of Doritos into his mouth and watching the boy point at the screen and chuckle.

“Undefeatable, I swear to God! I am!” Michael exclaimed.

 _The dancing, the excitement, the way that his hoodie had just lifted up_ was proving to be too much for Jeremy.

He bolted upright, eyes wide and the feeling that his throat was closing up.

Michael suddenly stopped and leaned in close to Jeremy, studying his expression and posture.

“Whoa, are you okay?” The boy asked, face scrunched up and full of concern.

Michael was too close, way too close.

Jeremy could feel his breath on his face.

He was so beautiful up close and Jeremy basked in it while simultaneously wishing it would end.

The suddenly paler and sweaty boy merely nodded, remembering the question that his best friend had just asked.

He reached for his blue raspberry slushy with a shaking hand and took a prolonged sip.

Michael seemed satisfied with the answer as he fell back into his respective beanbag and began scrolling through the game menu before asking if Jeremy was up for another game.

All the boy could do was weakly nod in affirmation _because holy shit, he’d just realized that he had a crush on his best friend._

_Scratch that, in love. Jeremy Heere was in love with his best friend, Michael Mell._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if i should post the rest!
> 
> or just let me know your thoughts! or maybe tell me about your day! or about your pet!
> 
> just ,, anything


	3. greed

Jeremy had never considered himself a particularly greedy person.

Sure, his dad brought home a fair amount of money but Jeremy couldn’t care less.

He ultimately realized that he’d much rather be happy than rich, was always sure to share his money and belongings with his friends who were struggling, and made sure to never boast about how well off he was.

So no, Jeremy wasn’t greedy.

At least pertaining to his financial situation.

Getting his SQUIP made him become consumed with greed, the kind relating to power and popularity.

While under its influence he’d managed to completely push Michael out of his life, break Brooke’s heart, and ultimately hurt everybody around him to some degree.

Except now that it was gone and everybody had forgiven him, Jeremy wasn’t greedy anymore.

He’d gone back to his old self.

His old self was altruistic.

_Right?_

Jeremy and Michael were standing around their lockers and talking about their plans for the weekend when a familiar tall figure hobbled towards them.

“Hey, Michael! Jeremy!” Jake called out, waving.

Michael beamed at the boy, immediately engaging in conversation.

He was pointing at Jeremy, explaining something but the boy wasn’t listening.

No, Jeremy was suddenly filled with an inexplicable rage.

He wasn’t sure who it was directed it or why it was so intense but it flooded every one of his senses.

“I’m leaving,” Jeremy grumbled at no one in particular before shoving past them and speed walking away, not pausing to look back at their reactions.

 

The vexed boy quickly pinpointed the cause of his frustration.

It was Jake.

Specifically, him talking to Michael.

Jeremy wasn’t jealous, not at all. He could talk to his best friend whenever he liked and was closer to Michael than Jake anyway.

He quickly identified the emotion that he was feeling.

_Greed._

Not the money kind, not the food kind, not the popularity kind.

He was greedy for Michael’s attention.

Jeremy wanted it, he wanted all of it all of the time.

_He needed it._

Nothing else in the world mattered, he wanted Michael to be as occupied with Jeremy as Jeremy was with him.

Then he’d be happy.

 _Okay_ , Jeremy thought, _maybe he wasn’t as good of a person as he previously believed._

After twenty minutes of hiding out and trying not to scream, Jeremy had finally gotten over himself.

He moved to the school parking lot, surprised to find Michael still waiting in his cruiser for him.

“Dude, are you okay?” Michael questioned, concern evident on his face.

“Yeah, just forgot to give in my essay,” The boy lied, a sour taste on his tongue.

Michael merely hummed in acknowledgment before turning up the volume of his car’s radio and bobbing his head along to the music.

Ignoring _how adorable the boy looked_ doing it, Jeremy rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone.

He opened up google chrome and began searching for answers to his plethora of questions surrounding the feelings that overwhelmed him and left him confused and upset.

**(3:43pm) is wanting your best friend to only talk to you greedy?**

**(3:43pm) am i selfish?**

**(3:44pm) why am i the way that i am?**

The only things that the results provided him with were further reassurances that he was definitely whipped for his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to post the rest!


	4. sloth

Lazy was something Jeremy had been called numerous times.

By his teachers after he’d missed due dates on assignments, by his Mom when he’d forget to do the dishes growing up, by his friends when they’d joke around.

By his SQUIP when he just couldn’t bring himself to get up out of bed in the morning, the energy it required being far too much.

Or to shower.

Or to go to school, to eat.

To do anything, really.

It would reprimand him for being lazy and force him to the things he knew that he was unable to do, even though he just ended up feeling worse.

The SQUIP called it laziness, his psychiatrist called it depression.

Either way, it had been happening for ages and he didn’t think it would ever stop.

He wished that it would.

 

Jeremy wasn’t sure what had caused it this time.

He hadn’t been taking his medication, hadn’t been sleeping, been thinking about the SQUIP far too much, ignoring his obvious feelings for Michael, and he’d failed three tests.

Okay, so maybe he had some remnants of a clue as to why he was spiraling.

Still, he couldn’t do anything about it.

He hadn’t left his bed, eaten, or checked his phone in three days.

Those three days had felt like a mere twelve hours and the concept of time was too much for Jeremy right now.

Rolling over, he squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself back to sleep.

He knew he shouldn’t have, sleeping this much wasn’t healthy and he’d already missed out on so much.

Jeremy pushed that thought aside and drifted off.

 

He was awoken to a loud banging on his door.

“Just open the door, Dad,” Jeremy had tried to yell but ended up whispering in a weak creaky voice.

The door swung open and the boy quickly moved to shield his eyes from the bright light it would inevitably bring forth, but before he had completely covered his eyes with his blanket, he noticed one pivotal detail.

The figure standing at his door was not his father, but his best friend.

He looked angry, messy hair and red cheeks indicating that he had in fact run instead of walked to Jeremy’s house.

“Where were you?” Michael said, voice dripping with concern and no evidence of the previous anger.

When Jeremy didn’t respond, Michael stepped back and looked around.

His room was a mess and so was Jeremy.

Puffy red eyes from crying, his hair untamed from days in his bed, his cheeks sharp.

“You could have texted the group, we were all so worried, I just- I just can’t believe-“ Michael cut himself off, with his voice breaking suddenly.

Jeremy looked up, riddled with guilt.

Michael had lifted his glasses off of the bridge of his nose and onto the top of his head. He began rubbing his eyes violently and biting his lip with a terrifying intensity.

“Anything could have happened to you, and we’d have had no idea. You can’t worry us like that, Jeremy!” Michael hiccupped.

Leaning over and turning his phone on, Jeremy realized the gravity of panic he’d caused.

He had one hundred and twelve unopened texts messages from the squad, eighty-four of them from Michael alone alongside thirty-seven missed calls. 

Before he realized it was happening, Jeremy was sobbing.

Violently and loudly, the boy cried like he had never cried before.

“I’m- I’m sorry,” Jeremy wailed.

Michael realized what was going on and moved quickly next to take a seat next to his best friend.

He quickly pulled him into a hug.

It was the desperate and urgent type of hug, the boys literally swallowing each other.

Jeremy clung onto Michael’s hoodie, clutching fistfuls of the red fabric close as he wept into the boy’s chest.

They sat and cried together, Michael rubbing reassuring circles into Jeremy’s back to help calm him down.

After what felt like hours, both boys’ tears had dried and their breathing had returned to normal.

“Talk to me,” Michael demanded.

So Jeremy did.

He told Michael everything.

About his medication, about the SQUIP, about the insomnia, about things that he didn’t even consider contributing to his current mental state.

Of course, he’d avoided telling Michael about his unrequited feelings.

No matter the gravity of that particular issue, he wasn’t going to ruin their friendship over it.

Still, he felt so much lighter by the end of it.

Michael had listened to him intensely, offering occasional words of support and encouragement that meant so inexplicably much to Jeremy.

Not having to carry everything on his own made him feel so much better and he was beyond grateful for his best friend.

They’d managed to message the rest of their friends to let them know what was going on, make an appointment with Jeremy’s psychiatrist, and email teachers to let them know what was happening.

 

“Dude, think you’re feeling okay enough to take a shower yet?” Michael asked, scrunching up his nose.

Jeremy silently nudged the boy away, the first genuine smile he’d given in days stretched across his face.

_The feeling he felt around Michael was his closest thing to okay._

He was still stuck, still spiraling.

This particular episode felt like it was never going to end, like he’d hit rock bottom and wasn’t ever going to get back out of the pit he was trapped in.

Except he _knew_ that with Michael’s help, he would get out of it.

He would get better.

Eventually.

For now, he would hold Michael close and deal with his issues in a genuinely healthy way for as long as he could.

He longed for a day where he could always hold Michael this close.

_He longed to feel this close to stable all of the time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but i wrote this while listening to "two birds" and having a mental breakdown in mcdonalds!
> 
> i'll sell my soul for kudos/comments!


	5. wrath

Before the SQUIP, Jeremy had been able to stay calm.

His feelings towards bullies were never taken out on them, they were kept inside.

Those feelings never manifested as anger.

The feelings turned into sadness and hatred towards himself and all contributed to the near constant mental instability and were a definite factor as to why he got his SQUIP to begin with.  

Even once the technology had been removed from his head, that same sense of peace never returned.

While most people avoided tormenting him after the events of the play, he was angry.

At himself.

At everybody who had previously hurt him.

Mostly at the SQUIP.

The mere sight of Mountain Dew or a single note of an Eminem song were enough to send him over the edge.

The release of not bottling this fury up was euphoric.

Recognizing the feeling, screaming until his throat was raw, pulling unbelievable amounts of hair out.

It felt so right.

He got so lost in it that he didn’t realize just how often it was happening.

 

_Of course, he took the anger out on himself._

_He always would._

_It’s what he deserved, right?_

Jeremy thought that he was doing okay.

His grades had improved, he was able to act normal around his friends, and he’d been keeping up appearances to therapy appointments.

Talking could only help so much and this alternative was beyond convenient.

The fact that his arms had been ripped to shreds by his fingernails was irrelevant.

So were the posters that hid holes in the drywall of his bedroom.

None of that mattered, he had found something to help him cope and he intended to use this newfound mechanism to its fullest and completely ignore the obvious suffering that he was putting his body through.

So he dug his biggest hoodie out of his closet and let the sleeves cover his purple and red knuckles before going to meet Michael for a ride to school. 

 

The day continued without fault.

He attended his classes, took notes, aced a biology test, and was now seated in the theatre with the rest of his friendship group for rehearsal.

While Christine droned on and on about some Broadway show closing, the others spoke amongst themselves.

Suddenly the doors slammed open and Michael came rushing in, mumbling apologizes for his lateness and complaining about the teacher who caused his tardiness to begin with.

Jake let out a chuckle at the motion.

“Anybody else having déjà vu?” He asked, a smile playing at his lips.

While the other members of their group shared a laugh, Jeremy felt his jaw clench and his muscles tense.

A quick glance around the room provoked memories and feelings he’d rather ignore.

_The SQUIP helping him remember his lines, taking over the rest of the cast, the overwhelming screaming when Michael had saved them all from its clutches._

He was suddenly gripped with rage towards the SQUIP.

Jeremy quickly shot up, his seat making a loud screeching sound as he pushed it back.

He sped out of the room, ignoring his friends’ collective expressions of concern.

 

Jeremy rounded the corner and took a deep breath in, a desperate attempt to calm himself.

When this failed, he turned to the brick wall behind him and drove his clenched fist directly into it.

Again and again, desperate to feel something.

Until all he could see through his tears was red and two blurry figures.

The figures were Brooke and Michael.

He distantly heard whispering but couldn’t decipher it over the ringing in his ears.

Brooke suddenly ran off as Michael stepped forward.

“Stop,” he pleaded whilst placing a hand on Jeremy’s shaking shoulder.

The fury riddled boy bit down on his lip until he could taste blood and slowly stepped back.

He blinked a few times before his thoughts slowed and the clutches of anger released him.

He came back to reality. 

Unfortunately, the combination of the sudden pain and his shaking composition resulted in the boy tumbling to the ground and dragging Michael down with him.

His best friend just pulled him into a tight hug.

 

“I fucking hate it, I hate it so much!” Jeremy practically yelled.

Michael leaned back and looked at him, nodding his head in understanding of what Jeremy was referring to.

“You’re allowed to be mad, you just need to find a better way to express that,” he stated after a few seconds of silence.

Jeremy shrugged as Brooke came racing back around the corner holding a first aid kit and a bottle of water.

She hung back worriedly before Michael stepped forward to take the supplies from her and talk to her.

Looking up from the spot on the grass that he’d been staring at, he noticed the way she was crying and clutching her hand to her heart.

He’d hurt her, his anger had hurt somebody other than himself.

Suddenly it didn’t feel so good anymore.

 

Before he knew it, Michael had poured water over his hands, tweezed out pieces of orange brick, disinfected his wounds, and bandaged his hands.

The intimacy of it all alongside Michael’s voice had calmed Jeremy down considerably.

“Thank you,” Jeremy said in a voice far too soft for somebody who had been attempting to destroy a wall just minutes earlier.

“Anything for my best friend,” Michael replied with a laugh.

As much as Jeremy wanted to be more than that, he simply mimicked the laugh and basked in the comfort of his friend. 

 

Digging out his phone, the two found some resources that they decided could calm him down and serve as an alternative to hurting himself when the anger proved to be too much. 

He looked at the top of the note of links and tips and saw what Michael had typed.

**"yell about your problems to michael!!!!"**

With a laugh, Jeremy agreed and Michael relaxed a little bit.

After a few minutes of enjoying each other's presence, they slowly started heading back inside the theatre.

 

Jeremy was met with his worried group of friends and countless apologies.

Looking back at them all, he broke into a wide smile.

At least one good thing had come from the SQUIP.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, an australian: s  
> spellcheck: z


End file.
